


A Letter

by beargirl1393



Series: Heartache and Love [4]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-24
Updated: 2013-05-24
Packaged: 2017-12-12 19:25:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/815135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beargirl1393/pseuds/beargirl1393
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin sends Bilbo a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Letter

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place directly after the last one. Bilbo hasn't left yet, as it was late when he confronted Thorin, and by the time he finished packing it was too late to go anywhere that night. Thorin slid the letter under the door.

**I know that you hate me and I don’t blame you, but please hear me out.**

**When I was in the grip of the Gold Madness, I saw you stealing the Arkenstone as a betrayal. It seemed to me that you did not trust me, and no relationship can survive without trust. (Now, it seems that you would have been right to be suspicious of me.)**

**I took a lover after I banished you and ignored the fact that it felt wrong.**

**Then, the battle, where my nephews, our friends, my people, and I nearly died many times over. If it hadn’t been for a resourceful, brave, stubborn little hobbit, I do not like to think what would have happened.**

**During the rebuilding of Erebor, I took no lovers in the beginning, as there was much to do, including finding the previously mentioned hobbit. When I learned that you had been taken to Rivendale, I was ready to ride to the city, elves be damned, to find you.**

**It was six months after the battle, and you were already a week into your journey to the Shire.**

**I didn’t chase after you, which was more than likely a mistake. Instead, I stayed to rebuild Erebor and when I felt the need I took a lover. I would close my eyes during most of the encounter, picturing you as I did not feel for another as I do for you.**

**I lasted six months more, during which time Erebor was secure enough that I could leave. I had put the journey off by two months, afraid of how I would be received.**

**Your reaction, the fear in your eyes, still haunts me. I had frightened you, badly, yet you welcomed me into your home and into your heart without a second thought. (I only wish I was as brave as you, ~~my dear hobbit~~ )**

**So then you returned, and everything was wonderful. Until, you spoke of returning to the Shire.**

**I am not blaming you, never would I blame you, but you need to know what started this.**

**I believed, when you wanted to return to the Shire, that there was a lad or lass waiting for you, who you would visit or who would visit you while you ensured that your relatives weren’t defiling your home.**

**It was with that thought in mind that I took my first lover since your return, three months after you left for the Shire.**

**When you returned, I could barely look at you because of the guilt, yet when you spoke of returning every other year, I believed that was because you had a lover as well.**

**I said nothing, not wanting to know that another had stolen your heart.**

**I continued the same pattern every time you left. My only redemption (and it is a poor one) is that I never lay with another while you were in Erebor. It was only when you returned to the Shire that I would panic, and I have never acted in a rational manner when I am in danger of losing those I love.**

**~~I had hoped, at first, that you would find out and it would spark a jealousy in you, so deep that you would decide that your other lover wasn’t worth your time.~~ **

**I was a fool.**

**I know not who told you. ~~I would hope it was one who you were close to, to help ease the sting~~**

**I know now that I was a fool for assuming that you would be so unfaithful. I have never had a lover who was dedicated to me for any reason besides my title. That is not an excuse or a justification, simply a fact.**

**You never cared for my title. You called me a fool as often as you called me king, and I loved you all the more for it. ~~It is still impossible for me to believe that you fell in love with the king without a kingdom.~~**

**I had come by your rooms earlier to attempt to talk to you, and instead I heard you berating yourself (when it is I who has used you so ill).**

**I sat against the wall outside your chambers, and thought about what a faithless fool I had been.**

**I deserve to have my beard shorn publicly and my claim to the throne renounced. Such thoughts would doubtless upset you, even now. ~~I have yet to discover how you can be so compassionate my dear burglar, but never change.~~**

**I then returned to my chambers and paced. I would not (will not) stop you if you desired to leave, but I wished to speak to you once more.**

**Alas, I am a coward once again, and so parchment and ink provide my voice.**

**I hope that you will read this and not immediately toss it in the fire, but I would not begrudge you that.**

**I know that I have hurt you Bilbo ( ~~my love,~~ I do not deserve to speak your name), and I will never be able to heal that hurt. Smith that I am, I have never mended a broken heart. **

**I wished to tell you once more, although I know that you will not believe me, that I love you.**

**~~Please, do not leave, I cannot~~ **

**If you wish to return, I promise I will not stop you, but if you remain I will do everything in my power to regain the trust that I so callously tossed away.**

**~~My love, please~~ **

**If you wish to see me, I will be in ~~our~~ my chambers. **

**If you do not wish to see me, I do not blame you.**

**I wish you all the best, whatever you decide ~~my~~ Bilbo.**

**Yours, ~~always~~**

**Thorin Oakenshield**

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?


End file.
